I do not own the Fifty Shades Trilogy or its characters; those belong to E. L. James. However, my characters do belong to me.
Chapter 5 | Got ‘Til It’s Gone
Have a feelin’, now believin’
That you were the one
I was meant to be with
Oh, how I’m wishin’ Thinkin’, dreamin’ ’bout you
And the love, how’d I let you get away?
Got ’til it’s gone
Got ’til it’s gone
If I could turn back hands of time
Make you fall in love
In love with me again
So would you give me another chance to love?
To love you, love you the right way
Got ’til it’s gone
Got ’til it’s gone
“CHRISTIAN!” I wake in a cold sweat, Janet Jackson’s Got ‘Til It’s Gone playing on my iPod. “This has got to stop.” I shake my head. I am not going to get any more sleep, so I might as well make myself some tea.
Christian has been in Taiwan for a month. The last time we spoke I thought he would tell me he was coming home, instead things went from bad to worse.
“Hey baby. It is so good to hear your voice. How are you?” I can hear his smile through the telephone. It makes me smile right back at him.
“Hi Christian. I miss you so much. I love you.” I can feel the tears at the back of my eyes as I speak. Save the sprinklers Steele, you need to find out where his head is at and when he’s coming home.
“I miss you too sweetheart. You should see there are Sakura flowers in bloom and the Hot Springs are incredible. I wish you were here Anastasia. How are things in the States?”
“Things are good. As well as to be expected, I guess. Oh, Mr. Roach promoted me to full editor.“ I say with a pride I do not really feel. I know Christian had something to do with my promotion. I just do not know if and/or how to broach the subject with him. I could tell by the way Roach discussed my performance review he was not pleased with keeping me on staff. It was almost like he was hoping I would fail so he could get rid of me once and for all. I got a dollar says Grey has no idea about any of this. Bet.
“That is wonderful baby. I knew you would do well.” He actually sounds proud of me. I cannot let this go. I have to ask. Do me favor, just stop, because you are obviously behind and in jeopardy of fucking up a perfectly good conversation.
“Yes baby.” His voice sounds so smooth. I can feel his warm soft breath on my neck as we speak. I can feel the sexy kisses he puts on that special spot behind my ear. I have to hold back the moan forming in my throat. I get goose bumps thinking about it.
“Did you have anything to do with my promotion?” I hear him gasp. Well, you fucked up this ‘lil reunion didn’t you? Is that a new record? It took you all of twelve minutes to ruin the mood.
She is right. I can feel the ice in his voice when he says, “No Anastasia I did not. I turned over the management of SIP to Ros Bailey on purpose. If an issue arises, she will act accordingly. Ros only informs me when it is absolutely necessary. I am not privy to the day-to-day workings of every company I hold. Now, if there is no other business you would like to discuss, I have a meeting to prepare for.” OH MY GOD NO! I fucking told you to keep your Kate-sized big ass mouth shut, but NO. You have to let your super duper inferiority complex get in the way of our happiness. What the fuck are you doing…DAMMIT!
“CHRISTIAN WAIT! Please do not hang up. I apologize. I was not trying to offend you. It was just a question.” I sound pathetic even to myself.
“Anastasia, I cannot do this anymore.” He cannot do what anymore? Then, as if he can read my mind, he continues, “I have done everything I can think of to aid in your feeling of independence. I am utterly powerless when it comes to you and now, unless we contact each other, I do not know what is going on with you at all. I called you because I miss you and I wanted to tell you I was coming home. I want us to be together. Don’t you understand Ana, I miss you. And to top it all off, I can finally recognize the feeling I had before I met you.” Why does that sound like a bad thing?
“I was lonely Anastasia. I was alone and lonely before you tripped into my office and stole my heart; a heart I did not realize I had. I have learned from you how to treat other people. I have learned how to take their opinions and interests into account as opposed to simply instilling my own will. I have learned to empathize with others. It is an entirely new mindset for me and I want to share my new experiences with you. I am not perfect at this and when it comes to business I do not intend to go easy when I want to win, but in my personal life…I am changing baby and it is all because of you.” He sounds happy again, like a little kid in a candy shop.
“Christian, I never wanted you to leave in the first place. I never intended to hurt you. I just wanted…” We know what you wanted Steele. Only you seem to have difficulty remembering and understanding what you wanted.
“Anastasia, please. I remember all too well what you said you wanted. I went over your statements with you sentence by sentence just to be certain I understood what you were saying. This is about me. I am hurting Anastasia. I love you and I want to be with you. I miss you so much, there are not enough words to explain how I feel and it scares me because I know, deep down, you do not share those feelings. You are my everything. My world begins and ends with you. This entire experience is more difficult because I do have these feelings for you and…” he stops suddenly, as if he does not want to say anything else.
“And what Christian?” I sound desperate even to my own ears.
He whispers, “…you do not have them for me.” He takes a deep breath before he continues. “Ana, GEH will be an international presence. I am expanding my company to reach overseas. Ros will be in charge of business at the Seattle location, but GEH Headquarters must be where I am.”
What the fuck is he saying? How can he feel like that? What in the hell gave him that impression? How can he see my independence as a lack of feeling for him? My heart hurts, my head hurts and I can hardly breathe. What is going on? I am going to take those as rhetorical questions.
“Ana, I asked you to marry me so we could share good times and bad, not just spend money like there was no tomorrow, not to manipulate you and not to change you. I have told you countless times you make me whole. I cannot wait to wake up in the morning and see those heavenly blue eyes look back at me. I cannot wait to make love to you as many times as you will let me every single day. I want to hear about your day and your life because it is in stark contrast to mine.”
“Ana, I was an abused child and for whatever reason that affected me so deeply that I wanted to perpetuate that abuse. My behavior and my acting out were a means to an end. I viewed fighting the way most guys viewed a game of basketball or football. I could hit and be hit. I got out my aggression and would be punished at the same time. Once puberty hit, I progressed my abuse and took it to the farthest degree imaginable. The reason I stayed in touch, so to speak, with Elena was because that relationship was the only intimacy I knew, outside of my family.”
“The only way to disappoint Elena was to come too soon or not take a beating, safewords were irrelevant, and could handle that. I could not handle disappointing the woman who saved me from squalor and violence. Seeing the sorrow and distress in Grace’s eyes only solidified my self-hatred and left me with an enduring emptiness. All that while, Christian was lost. He never grew up, never learned how to share, never learned how to love and once he made it big, he had no desire to do any of those things or any of the number of other things he missed out on during his youth. His shiny new toy was to buy another company and make another million, which did not make him any happier than when he started.”
“And I never lost the desire to touch and be touched. I never lost the desire for intimacy and love, it was just too late for me to learn how to have those things; or so I thought. I was too old for Elena and street fights were not good PR…” he chuckles to himself, “…so I was back to my pubescent coping mechanism. The one way I learned how to be with a woman and not have to worry about what might happen. In my playroom, I controlled touch. With my NDAs and contracts, I controlled intimacy, for lack of a better word; there was no place for love. Those things held me together, but also tore me apart.”
“Anastasia, meeting you was like seeing an oasis in the dessert. People to do not talk with me, think about it. I give orders, people follow them and I move on. You and I had a conversation. You were flustered and it was adorable. I could not knock you over or break you down with a smile or a glare. It was refreshing to me; it still is. You are smart, compassionate, honest, strong willed and sexy as hell; especially when you are angry.” I can hear the smile in his voice.
“Ana, simply put, your presence in my life has gradually changed me and the most important thing to me is that you are happy. It makes me feel good to know that I can make you smile. I want you to have whatever your heart desires, because of how much I love you, not because I want you indebted to me, not so I have something to hold over your head. I wish you nothing but success, friendship and love in your life.”
“The more I listen to you, the more I hear you doubting my intentions. I do not know where to go from here Ana. I cannot compete with worldwide acceptance and recognition. I feel like my actions, past, present and future are tainted by my mistakes and will not be good enough. My actions will only lead us back to your not trusting me. I am lost here baby. I need you to help me, and the sad thing is I do not believe you can.”
“I know I cannot buy true love and affection. There are however many people in this world willing to grant me a false sense of exactly those things for as long as my money lasts. That is exactly how I have been living my life. When I flash a few hundreds, heads turn and we will not discuss what the visual of a few million can do. When I adorn that panty-dropping smile as you call it, women fall at my feet, with their legs spread wide. I do not want that Ana. I have never wanted that. I have always craved true love and affection. The only person who makes me feel that way is you…I only ever want you Anastasia.”
“From the day you left until this very second, I thought about nothing but you, me, us and where to go from here. The only solution I come up with is for me to go away and pray that you, and I to a lesser degree, each find our happily ever after. My moving overseas is the only way, unless you have an alternative. Please know baby, I will always love only you, no matter the nature of our relationship. It may sound presumptuous, but anything I have is yours Anastasia, whether we are together or not.” Then, he reads my mind and it all becomes clear, “Do you know why Ana…because you have my heart baby. You gave me everything I was searching for and more. Besides my love, all I have to give you in return are material things, but if they help you at all, then it is worth it.”
Are you happy now? This man has, once again, poured his heart out to you. All he wants is you. He’s not asking you to give him anything. He’s asking you to share his life with him. What the fuck does it take, an Act of Congress, to get it through YOUR thick skull he only wants to be with you and NOTHING MORE! He has to learn how to be in a relationship, to learn the do’s and don’ts, but then, so do you. Contrary to your belief, you are not perfect and you do not know everything. AND YOUR CHOICE OF COUNSEL SUCKS!
“…Ana…Ana are you still there?” Oh shit, all my inner musing caused me miss what he said.
“I am here Christian. I was trying to take in everything you said.” AGAIN WITH THE FUCKING TAKING IN OR PROCESSING OR GETTNG THOUGHTS STRAIGHT! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?
What he has told you is cut and dry Anastasia. Either you want this man or you don’t. If you don’t want him, then do the womanly thing and step the fuck away right now. Grey deserves love and affection. He deserves caring and support. He deserves to be wanted for who he is, not resented for his position. He worked damn hard to get to the top of his game. All he wants to do is share everything he is and everything he has with you, not the Bitch-Troll, not one of the fifteen, not any of the fluttering eyelash, abundant boob, ass swinging bitches in the world. He wants to share with you. I’m speechless, utterly speechless.
“I was going to wait a little while longer before initiating my move, but your silence speaks volumes. I take it you would rather I not belabor the situation and move forward with my plans.”
“No Christian, my silence does not mean that at all. I never thought we would be at this crossroad. Like you, I do not know what to say or what to do.”
“Well then, we are staring from an even playing field, that can only be a good thing.” His statement gives me some sense of hope.
“Let’s table this discussion and revisit it in a few weeks. I have no trouble keeping up with GEH from here and I can fly in if I am needed in the flesh. I do not want to put this off indefinitely though Ana. There are a lot of people dependent on my keeping GEH afloat so I will have to decide. For now, I can wait.”
“Look baby, I have to go. I love you”
“I love you too Christian.” And then, he is gone.
I have seen lots of pictures of him traveling to lovely areas; Taipei, Kaohsiung and Hsinchu were just a few. There were lots of beautiful women as well. I could have done without the headlines, “Grey Gets A Geisha”…
or “Who Will Join Christian Grey on His Orient Express”
I have been in deep thought since Christian and I spoke last. All he wants is me, nothing more. All of his spoiling and nagging and controlling are a small cost to learn how to love and be loved, don’t you think? Yes, I really do think you are right. Thank fuck for that. It’s about fucking time.
I finished my latest manuscript when the phone rings. I wanted to chew glass when it ends up being Kate quizzing me about Christian.
“Ok Steele, I want the deets. Why is Mr. Moneybags kicking up his heels overseas and you’re stuck here working your fingers to the bone. Did that fucker not have enough courtesy to ask you to go with him? The bastard is everywhere and you’re stuck here in dreary ole’ Seattle.” Nice friend you got there.
“Kate, Christian had a business deal to finish, that is why he went to Taiwan. As for me, I have to work. I had just started at SIP when he left. I could not up and fly away the first chance I got.”
“Why the hell not? It’s the least that conceited son of a bitch could do for you.” Is it my imagination or is she growling? SHE’S GROWLING AND SHE BETTER FUCK OFF!
“Kate, what the fuck’s all the yelling about? Who’s on the phone?” I can hear Elliott in the background. For once he does not sound happy.
“I’m talking with Ana and I’m yelling because your conceited, arrogant, aloof, control freak of a brother is in Asia while my friend is stuck in Seattle alone. Humph.” I do not like the grumbling I hear in the background then all of a sudden I hear Elliott bellowing.
“If you don’t stop badmouthing my brother Katherine Kavanaugh, YOU will be alone! I’ve told you a hundred times, I can’t control whom you like and whom you don’t like, but you will respect my family or else you can KICK…FUCKING…ROCKS! GET IT?” WOW! You go Lelliott, you finally grew a set. It’s about time. That haughty whore needed to be put in her place a LONG time ago.
“Got it.” You can barely hear Kate’s voice. She sounds like a severely chastened, very small child.
“Good. Now give me the motherfucking phone.” He is still snarling at her. WOO HOO! I wish Grey could hear this. He’d fucking jump for joy. This shit IS priceless.
“Anastasia”, it is a statement, not a question. ANASTASIA! Whoa, you’re in the shit now kid. I did not know Elliott knew my full name. He has never uses it.
“Hi Elliott, how are you?” I try to keep my voice light.
“Don’t give me any bullshit Anastasia. Where’s my brother, how long has he been gone and why aren’t you with him?” Crickets. You can actually hear crickets on the line while Elliott waits for my response.
“Well…you see Elliott…he went to Taiwan on business about a months ago and…” I did not get to finish the thought that went with my sentence when all of a sudden I swear I hear a sonic boom.
“A MOTHERFUCKING MONTH?!? A MOTHERFUCKING MONTH AND YOU DON’T THINK TO LET ONE OF US KNOW?!?” I do not think I can breathe. Elliott is panting on the other end of the line, like a really big dog is chasing him.
“Elliott,” I try to reason with him, “Christian is a grown man, you know. He told me he spoke with your mother and told her where he was going. So, someone besides me knew where he was. Ros also knows where he is and how to contact him so you do not have to get all bent out of shape about it.”
“Anastasia,” still on the Anastasia kick huh? “Christian never stays away on a true business trip for more than a week, maybe two if the deal is really big and that was BEFORE he met you. The only other time he went overseas and stayed for any length of time was after he dropped out of Harvard and then he was in France and the Caribbean. Those are the places he loves. For him to be across the pond, anywhere other than in France or on French related territory for any length of time, means bad news. I don’t care what pictures he’s in or what sites he sees, this isn’t good.” Elliott’s voice sounds grave and pained.
Did I do this to Christian? I pushed him away. All he wants to do is be there for me, to support me in my endeavors. What is wrong with me? When did I become prideful and unyielding?
“…you have my heart baby. You gave me everything I was searching for and more.”
All he wants is you.
“Anastasia Rose Steele, I love you. I want to love, cherish and protect you for the rest of my life. Be mine, always. Share my life with me. Marry me.”
Ana, baby…where are you?
Here I am Christian…turn around.
Baby, where are you? I cannot find you. Please Ana, you are scaring me.
I am right here Christian…over here baby.
I cannot find her. I can hear my Ana’s voice clearly, but I cannot see her anywhere. I am wandering through darkness. I know she is out there somewhere, but I cannot see her.
Please Ana, where are you.
Here I am pet…come and see Mistress…it is time to play.
OH, MY GOD NO!
I sit straight up in bed; sweat pouring off of me like a waterfall. My hands are shaking and the room is spinning.
I cover my face with my hands. “Not again, please, not again.” I have had the same dream every night since I talked to Ana. I hear her soft melodic voice calling out for me to find her. I turn to where I think the sound is coming from, but she is not there. This repeats several times until…
The vermin invades my consciousness. I do not see the salacious slut. However, her despicable voice is unmistakable. First, I can feel the restraints tighten around my wrists and ankles then I can feel the lashes rain down on my bare chest and back then I hear her demand that I count.
You disappoint me Pet. I taught you better than to release before I give you permission. Have I not instructed you about this, about how to maintain control?
My voice sounds young. I remember all too well, this is my first real punishment, the beginning of my end. At school, I spent the morning fantasizing about Elena’s mouth and how wonderful her lips felt stroking my cock while her tongue slid back and forth along its underside. I had a boner for most of the day and I could not wait until playtime. Needless to say, I was overly aroused. When Elena started her control exercises, my cock twitched a few times then I came fast and hard. I was out of breath and I knew a punishment would follow my transgression. Up until that day, spanking was the only form of punishment I received. I soon began to learn the depravity of this new lifestyle.
She shackled my wrists and ankles so tightly to the bare, stone, walls of her dungeon that my fingers and toes started to go numb. What Elena had could in no way be termed as a playroom. She blindfolded me and chastised me the entire time for being weak and unable to control my body.
This is your first lesson in our world Pet. If you cannot control your body physically, you are doomed never to control it metaphysically. Life is a game Pet, a playroom session with never ending scenes. In stressful or even painful situations you must detach yourself from your feelings. Once your emotions are under control, you can proceed with the best course of action for the situation at hand. Call to mind the benefits gain here, with me; file those away for future reference. You will learn my Pet. I will teach you to be the Master of your Universe and my submissive.
Worst of all, I can feel the pain and fear I masked as pleasure and desire for so long. Elena is here, in my dreams. I do not know why and it scares the shit out of me.
I remember commenting to Flynn that my dreams always seem to focus on the negative occurrences in my life. After I met Ana, the dreams lessened, although I have them when things are not right between she and I. They serve as a reminder of how it felt to be abandoned, unloved and unable to love. My dreams are a stark reminder of the possible consequences of my actions. Then I end up back at square one. Flynn told me to pay attention to my dreams. Although he seem them as some ‘unfinished business’ my mind is struggling to sort through. Flynn maintains that once I know what that something is, I can face it and move on. We definitely struggled through our association with that abominable creature haven’t we?
I need my Ana. I need my lifeline.