The original characters are the property of E.L. James. I’m just having a lil’ fun. No copyright infringement intended.
Chapter 16 | Decisions…Decisions
“I told you once before I do not mince words and I do not care if I step on anyone’s toes. Christian, if you are thin skinned, you will need to leave now. Those statements hold true for every conversation with every person I come into contact with and they hold true today as well.” He said with a stern expression and a deep, solid voice. Whatever was on his mind was not to be taken lightly. I understood Mr. Brown and I was forewarned.
Anastasia and I went to the Brown Family Home for brunch. Almost from the time we reached the foyer things seemed different…off. Now, granted, I was anything but a regular visitor in their home, but somehow the air was thick with tension and even general conversation seemed forced.
Ella was actually nervous when she saw Ana and I walk into the dining room and she’s never nervous, except for maybe the very first time I saw her, in the park.
Ella and her father exchanged more than a few sideways glances at one another. I was about to ask exactly what the issue was when the senior Mr. Brown began conversing with Ana. “Tell me Love, what is your occupation?”
At first Ana looked at me in shock. No doubt waiting for me to loose it over Edward’s endearment. I quietly explained “Love seems to be a general term of affection. I was thrown off when Ella said it to me as well, but it kind of grows on you.” I gave Ana a warm smile and squeezed her hand lightly.
Mr. Brown watched our exchange then sought Ana’s forgiveness. “I apologize Anastasia. Please forgive an old man his even older habits, they die hard” then he flashed Ana a bright smile.
What the fuck old man? Watch it.
“Christian! Christian! Wake up Christian!” Where is that voice coming from?
“Well Mr Brown, I am just beginning my career. I am a new Acting Editor for Seattle Independent Publishing.” Her voice is soft and rather timid. Does this guy intimidate her? While I respect Mr. Brown and value his opinion, daunting my fiancée is a hard limit for me.
“Well Love, Townsville really is your cup of tea.” I saw the twinkle in her eyes. She loves all things book related.
What’s he up to?
“How so Mr. Brown?” Her interest was clearly piqued.
If she found a job here, on her own, she might be willing to stay, at least for a while.
Hmm. He had my attention as well.
“Well,the best place for one to begin retrieving information is from the Townsville Writers & Publishers Centre. It is a not for profit group, launched in June 2011, and provides support to emerging and professional writers and publishers who live in North Queensland. I know for a fact there is a new Director position available now and you can make your application online. You can use it either as a resource to locate an organization looking for a new editor or, which I strongly suggest, work for the centre itself and enable others to realize their dream.”
“That sounds fabulous, but…” She stopped short. I knew what she was thinking, but I didn’t want to give her away. Ana still hasn’t decided how committed she is to living in Townsville. She’s not entirely against the idea, but she still seems to be up in the air. After a long pause she told Edward, “I do not actually live in Townsville, although Christian does.” She looked so sad.
Not to be outdone Edward counseled her further, “The Australian Government, Department of Immigration and Border Protection also has a website, with information on applying for a Visa, if you are not interested in citizenship. And, in the event you change your mind sometime in the future about remaining here, the same website has information on living in Australia and becoming a citizen. Just a tidbit to think about Love” THEN THE FUCKER WINKED AT HER!
Dude, calm down. He’s old enough to be her grandfather. Take a chill pill.
Chill pill my ass. He’s a good-looking older man and he looks a fucking lot like…m…
My fork stopped, midair, and a cold chill rushed through me. “Wait a minute.” I looked around the table at each of the Brown family members. “Who are you and what do you want with me…with Anastasia?” My gut instinct was screaming at me now, albeit after the fact. That wink, that smile, we know those looks.
“NO! Please NO!” Not this, not here, not now. I can’t believe this. Who are these people?
“CHRISTIAN! CHRISTIAN! Can you hear me Baby? Come back to me Christian.” The voice begins to shout then sob. It sounds pained and frantic. Where’s that voice coming from?
Ella finally found the courage to speak, “We have not asked you for anything and we have not asked anything of you Christian. What do you mean, ‘what do we want’?” She looked shocked…and hurt. Immediately, I felt like an ass.
Her father reached over and gently touched his daughter’s hand, “Now Ellie, Christian was simply musing out loud. Isn’t that correct Christian?” THAT LOOK! The sadness in his eyes. I turned to my right and saw the same look, mixed with concern in Edward’s eyes.
“Oh my God.” I managed to whisper.
“NO! NO! NO!” It sounds like my voice. I sound angry and hurt. I sound betrayed.
Ana touched my shoulder then asks, “Christian, Baby, what’s wrong? Are you feeling ill? You look as if you’ve seen a ghost.” Ana is attuned to me, but not our surroundings, specifically our hosts.
I nod as I glare directly into Mr. Edward Rockhold-Brown’s lightening grey eyes. Humpf, I knew for certain my eyes looked exactly the same at that moment. I glanced over at Emmett, ditto, while Ella looked resigned to her fate. “I have Ana. Look around you.” I say with a stark, coldness lining my voice.
“Christian, what on Earth…” I cut her off.
“Do you see anything oddly familiar about Mr. Edward Brown, Mr. Emmett Brown and myself? Do you recognize Ella? Think hard Baby. I know you don’t have the vision ingrained in your memory, but you commented about it when you saw her picture in that text message you received.” This time I glare at Ella. I trusted her. I thought she was my friend. Now I see it was all a ploy to get close to me, for what I don’t know, but surely the truth could’ve come out before now.
“Christian, I don’t understand. What’s wrong with you?” Ana was already frightened and now she was frustrated.
I calmed Ana down enough for her to understand me and just as I was about to ease her fears, Edward said, “My Dear, he is referring to our physical similarities and apparently he remembers his mother much better than I thought. The fact that he recognized the resemblance between her and Ellie is a testament to the impression she left on him.”
“I, my son and my daughter’s son have an uncanny resemblance. My daughter and my grand-daughter look strikingly alike as well. Emmett’s sons, however, resemble their mother.” He said all of that without ever batting an eyelash or taking his gaze off of me.
“NO! IT CAN’T BE! PLEASE NO!” I feel myself thrashing from side to side. I can’t stop myself. I’m fighting to get away from them.
“Christian, you have to wake up Baby. I’m here and I need you to wake up.” I hear a faint sound behind the chaos in my mind. Which is my reality? Which is my nightmare?
I abruptly stood up from the table and put out my hand to Ana, “Come Anastasia, we have to leave.”
“NO!” It can’t be true. Why didn’t they save us? Why didn’t they come for us? Why didn’t they come for me!?
Somewhere between this Hellish night terror and it’s frightening reality I hear a sweet melodic voice say, “Christian, please open your eyes. I’m right beside you Baby.” She’s beside me? Where? Why can’t I see my Ana?
“Christian, please open your eyes.” I try as hard as I can, then all of a sudden…I see her, my Ana. He beautiful baby blue eyes are round as saucers, rimmed in red and overflowing with tears.
I gasp, “Ana, you’re here!” A rush across the too-large bed and pull her to me. Oh my God she feels so good, so warm, so soft and she smells wonderful. I hold her tightly and bury my face in the valley between her breasts.
“It’s ok Christian. It was a dream Baby, just a dream. You’re safe. You’re here at home with me. You’re safe.” She coos and stokes her fingers through my hair immediately calming me, soothing my damaged soul. I nuzzle the inner mounds of her breast then begin kissing and biting her chest.
I turn my face to her left nipple and lap it quickly. The beautiful, tasty treat lengthens with each caress of my tongue and turns hard as I suckle her and bite down on the little pink pebble. “Hmm. Beautiful. Delicious” I say as my lips close over her nipple again. She tastes so sweet and feels so right in my mouth. I can’t stop sucking on her.
I turn my face to her right breast and suckle it as well. As I pull more of her breast in my mouth my member hardens and grows, pulsing, twitching, fighting to get out. “Open those pretty legs up for me Baby. Hold me the way only you can.” She parts her legs and wraps them around my waist, cradling me. I grind against her core as hard as I can, pressing my cock into her wet, warm, wonderland and feeling her juices dampen my pajama pants. I need more.
From where I lay on top of her, I feel a hum in her chest and hear a groan in her throat with each caress of my cock. No words are necessary. She releases her hold on my waist and I reluctantly take my lips from her breasts to wrestle with my pajama pants. I pull them off of my hips, ass and finally down my legs then yank her barely-there thong over her thighs. Kissing and licking my way from her groin back to her breasts, I massage her legs beginning at the soft spot behind her knees. I rub small, delicate circles on her skin with my thumbs igniting the want and need between her legs. When my hands reach her inner thighs I hold onto the flesh tightly and yank her legs open wider than before.
I reclaim her left nipple in my mouth and guide her legs around my waist so I can retake possession of her right nipple between my thumb and forefinger. I pinch and twist the lovely pink gem causing her to callout my name. My cock is erect and pointing due North, to the promise land between her legs. I grind my pelvis against hers and rub my dick against her warm, wet lips…then hiss. That’s my only preamble. Swiftly and with determination I slam into her hard and hold her beautiful, juicy hot core against me. “YYYEEESSS…” I hiss before I bury my face between her neck and shoulder and I pump into her harder and harder over and over again.
All thoughts are lost, all time is forgotten. I’m oblivious to her moans, her kisses or her gently whispered words. This is my favorite place to be in the world. This is where I belong…inside her. My Ana is here. She’ll protect me. I have to be further inside of her. I only need to feel her. Her sultry, sopping, silken pussy is my home. Her wet walls hold tightly onto my cock, rubbing against me like a velvet glove especially made for me. I can feel every ring of her vagina pulling me further inside. As my manhood continues to swell and pulse, I know I have to go deeper. I need more…balls deep.
I pull her legs from around my waist and put them on my shoulders. I lift myself up onto my arms and drive into her with all my strength, she meets me stroke for stroke, pumping against me faster and faster and it feels wonderful. I have to hold off my orgasm as I feel my balls slapping against her ass, the sweat running down my face and chest and dripping from my hair.
Suddenly, her legs begin to tremble, her stomach begins to tighten and her walls begin to quiver. I’m not ready to let her go yet. I need more. I slow my pace and take my time as I push my cock into her cunt. She opens her eyes and yells out “Christian! No!” Berating me for her missed orgasm.
I look down at her and beg her to understand my plight, “I need more from you Baby. Tonight, I need so much more. I’m safe here, with you…inside you. No one can hurt me…inside you. I’ll make you scream all night Baby, just let me be inside you.” At those words, my Ana leaned up, kissed my chest then sunk her teeth into my nipple sending an erotic volt through my torso and straight to my dick.
I pull up on my knees, never breaking our intimate connection, and hold her ass in place while I pump my cock deeper into her center…my center. I pull her ass against me with each thrust feel her legs tighten around the back of my neck. “That’s it, more Ana…more…gimme more Baby. Fuck me Ana…fuck me Baby.”
Just like a lightening strike, her walls closed, my balls tightened, her pussy gripped my throbbing cock and I felt the wave of ecstasy I was chasing run through me. Up and down my spine from the top of my head down to my toes, “AHHH, FUCK YES! YES! YES! I pump into her three more times relishing the feel of our aftershocks. Ana loudly calls out my name again and gives her orgasm to me. With a final shudder, I collapse on top of her completely spent.
All’s quite. I can’t speak anymore, I can’t think anymore and I don’t want to. All I want to do is lie here, inside her, inside my safe place, my favorite place in the world. “Christian,” Ana’s tranquil voice breaks the silence, “Baby are you alright? I’m worried about you. You haven’t had a nightmare since you’ve been away have you?” I can hear the anxiety in her sweet voice.
I nod. I want to enjoy this postcoital feeling, not talk about my nightmares. Those fucking things began reoccurring the night she left me, but I don’t want to think about that. She moves her legs from around my neck and returns them to my waist, again cradling me in her own special way.
Somehow still I can’t get them off of my mind. Somehow I still can’t get them out of my head. I pull Ana closer to me and once more bury my face between her stunning breasts, inhaling deeply. Without looking her in the eyes, I lick the side of her breast and bite down on the succulent flesh there before announcing, “Time for round two Baby.”
“DAMMIT CHRISTIAN I CAN’T UNDERSTAND A WORD YOU’RE SAYING! NOW CALM THE FUCK DOWN!” Good Lord in Heaven what the fuck has happened down there?
“Its five o’clock in the fucking morning Christian, that’s entirely too fucking early to call someone and ramble in a fit of rage. If you can’t speak using your indoor voice, right the fuck now, I’m going to hang up and you can call back at another time. Good… Now, I ask for the third time, what the fuck is going on?”
The last time we spoke, he was hopeful because Ana was on her way to Townsville. Now he’s clamoring about being lied to and babies and old men. If I ever get a word in edgewise I’ll ask if Ana’s pregnant. Until then, I’ll just have to ride this wave of bullshit until it ends.
To think, for someone who didn’t speak for two years, he’s got a big ass fucking mouth.
Shut up you, my son needs me. Now focus.
“…they lied to me Dad. They acted like they were my friends then they sprung this horse shit on me, like I’m supposed to just believe them.”
“Believe whom Son? Believe what? I’m lost in all of this Christian. Is Ana with you? Is she alright?”
“Yes, she’s here and she’s fine. She’s the only reason I’m not in some Australian prison right now. I can’t fucking believe this shit Dad. How the fuck did she even get to the United States? They can buy a pot of gold from a fucking leprechaun, why the fucking Hell didn’t they save her? Why didn’t they save ME!?”
Then, the line goes quiet for a few seconds. As I“m about to call his name Christian burst out with an, ”OH FUCKING HELL! Are they working with HER? This has got to be a ruse.”
“ANASTASIA!” He calls into the background. Thank God, maybe she can shed some light on this.
“We’re returning to Seattle as soon as I can contact Stephen to have the jet ready” with that statement I hear Ana gasp.
“Christian no, you’ve got to stay and get answers. We can go back once all of this is sorted out.” She’s always the voice of reason for him. He really needs to marry that girl…and soon.
I clear my throat and catch my son’s attention, “Why didn’t who save who Christian?” I sound like a fucking owl. “This is your last chance to respond to me young man, then I’m hanging up and taking YOUR jet to Townsville. Do I make myself abundantly clear?”
“Good… Now, please answer my all-encompassing question. WHO?”
“The Browns” he sneers as if he were chewing on something nasty that he couldn’t spit out fast enough.
“You say that as if it’s an obvious answer Christian. The Browns who, and I’ll have you know I’m sick of saying that fucking word.” My blood is beginning to boil. I know he’s upset, but how the fuck am I supposed to help him when he won’t, clearly, tell me what the fucking problem is. He’d better be glad Grace had to go into the hospital early. I’d put her on the phone. Let her deal with his attitude. I swear he get’s this ranting shit from her side of the family.
“Edward and Emmett Brown” again with the clipped responses, wait a fucking second. It couldn’t be.
“Do you mean of EB, PTY Christian? Those Browns?” I whisper. Please let him say no. They’re in Melbourne. Townsville is more than 1,600 miles north of Melbourne. What the fuck is ‘ole man Brown playing at?
“You know them?” He says in the deathly quiet voice he learned from Grace and I. We never wanted to yell at our children so we agreed to lower our voices and speak distinctly. Apparently it’s a habit that rubbed off on Christian. He gets loud…REALLY loud, but the trouble doesn’t begin until he starts to whisper.
Hostile witness time Cary.
“Yes, I know of them Christian. Being such a large entity affords them the ability to place their mark on various facets of the world, including the law as, I imagine, their M&A acumen is deliberated in business courses.”
Be careful Cary. The boy’s not an attorney, but not because he’s stupid.
I know this all too well. Christian is absolutely brilliant, that’s why I was particularly hard on him throughout his life. The fighting, drinking and disrespect of all things academic were depressing considering the boy could out think EVERYONE, including me. Christian’s downfall is that his fuse is way too short to be allowed in a courtroom. Least until he made it to the bench, which he could’ve.
“Dad, please tell me it isn’t true. Please tell these people are just fucking with my head and out to take GEH from me. I need something to hang my hatred on. Please.” I’ve only heard this type of pain from him when he’s having a nightmare. This time his agony is real…it’s tangible. I knew this would happen when he said he was going to Australia. My concerns lessened when he finally confided he was going to Townsville, but I was still on high alert.
“I apologize Son. I wish I could tell you that.” DAMMIT! This is not a conversation to have over the phone, let alone when he’s more than 7,000 miles from home. DAMMIT!
“Son, have you questioned Mr. Brown to find out what documentation he has?” I won’t keep anything from him, especially now he’s been told, but I’m not going to bombard Christian either. One of Christian’s blessed curses, in addition to his attention to detail, is his ability to compartmentalize his thinking. Christian will actually file away a thought or question and bring it up at the most unusual or inopportune time. I think he does it for dramatic effect. Anyway, the more information he’s given the more files he creates until he can reorganize those files and formulate his plan of action.
This is what happens with his personal life. Christian’s emotional “separation of church and state” is due to his categorizing and assigning priority. Emotional thoughts get in the way of business and NOTHING is more important than business, until he met Ana at least.
He’ll keep his mind on business all of his waking hours, but when he gets tired and his mind is allowed to relax all thoughts regarding business move to the rear and his personal file explodes, thus leading to his night terrors. I keep telling myself he’ll be alright because Ana is with him. The truth of the matter is, depending on the severity of his experience while he’s sleeping, Christian can unintentionally cause physical harm to Ana in his sleep. Christian is probably a foot and a half taller than Ana and God only knows how much more he weighs, then there’s his musculature to consider. I shake my head. I’ve got to do something to either calm him down or keep her from sleeping with him, at least for a little while.
“Christian, I’m coming down there. Contact Stephen and have the jet ready by the end of business today, Pacific Time.”
“No Dad, you can’t come running every time I bump my knee. You’re right. I need to talk with Edward and find out just what he knows.” He sighs. He seems more resigned to his fate as opposed to calm.
“Are you sure Son? You know it’s no trouble for me at all and your mother doesn’t have to be involved.” In fact, this is one of the few, albeit most important things I’ve kept from my wife, the thought saddens me.
She’s going to find out.
Believe me, I know.
“I’m sure Dad. Could you send me any and all information you have about me, about my adoption and life before I came to be with you and Mom?” Research time. He’s planning an attack. Knowing my son, before long, he’ll have his eyes set on EB, Pyt. Brown had best watch out.
“I have all of your official legal and medical records. I also have a few things, mementos, if you will, that your birth mother left for you. I’ll have everything express couriered to you today. It should reach you in three or four days. Do you want me to alert Welch and Taylor as well?”
“No, Taylor is still here. He and Gail have rescheduled their flight and will be leaving for Seattle in a few hours. I’m going to address this personally. This experience has taken me back to the early days of GEH. It feels good to reacquaint myself with the way I began doing things, keeps me on my toes. As long as I have Anastasia beside me, I won’t go off the deep end, I promise Dad. Although, she may be leaving this evening as well. Taylor turned into Super Security Man after my nightmare and refused to leave until he was comfortable neither Ana nor I were in any danger.”
Taylor won’t last in Seattle without Christian. He’ll be bored shitless and dying to get back over there to keep an eye on things.
Taylor has Sophie to think about. He can’t rush out and make snap decisions like that anymore. I’m proud of Christian for not trying to force Taylor into staying in Townsville.
He’ll be back.
Bringing to halt my thoughts of Taylor, I vaguely hear Christian say something about Ana not staying in Townsville. “WHAT! WHY would she leave you?”
“Two words.” They better be two fucking spectacular words.
“Her job” I groan my disappointment. I know Ana is dedicated to following through on her career goals. Part of this is my fault with the prenuptial agreement faux pas. Grace made it all too clear Ana was hurt by the subject and while she’s always fought with Christian about working and succeeding on her own, she’s had to constantly deal with comments about the integrity of her intentions toward my son. Elena Lincoln’s gold-digger comment sits at the forefront of my mind.
She’s got some fucking nerve to talk.
“Precisely” Christian growls.
I sigh, “Well Christian, have you discussed the situation with Ana? Have you asked her to stay there with you?” I can’t imagine him not wanting her to stay. I’m sure he’s even gotten down on his knees and begged her to stay. She has that affect on him.
“No Dad I didn’t.“ WHAT?! ”I told her the decision was hers and hers alone. I don’t want her to feel controlled or pressured into doing anything. I believe she still doubts my sincerity on this point, regardless I refuse to push her.”
I scratch my head. This is a new Christian. I guess he has a point, “Good idea Son. Well, I’ll send you the material I have. I recommend you contact Edward Brown and listen to what he has to say then we can take further steps, if necessary.”
“Alright Dad, I look forward to reading the information you have and thanks again for your help.”
“Anytime son, you know we’re all here for you Christian. You never have to go through anything alone.” I don’t know why ventured across the pond, other than for business purposes, but I know he didn’t trust his mother and I to support him in any personal turmoil he may have been experiencing at the time.
After a few moments of silence Christian says, “I know Dad, really I do.“ I still wonder. ”Look, I’ve taken up enough of your early morning. I’ll talk to you later, bye Dad.”
“Bye Christian, and with that, the call is over.
I have a good mind to call Brown and ask him just what the fuck his problem is. We agreed he would leave Christian alone unless Christian, himself, expressed an interest in his birth mother or her family.
Not now, I have to get those documents together and possibly rearrange my schedule to allow for a trip Down Under.
He knew about this. He knew about all of it I’m sure. He was the go-to person with regard to securing guardianship and ultimately my adoption, while Grace took authority over my medical affairs.
He saw the pimp. He said I didn’t look like the asshole and that the fucker denied having anything to do with me.
No love lost, right?
Nope, none at all.
He has documentation and mementos? What the fuck kind of mementos, leftover crack pipe or a stray cigarette butt?
Grey, you’re NOT going to like what I have to say.
Then keep your fucking mouth shut.
Ahem, as I was saying, before I was so RUDELY interrupted…
I sigh to myself, What the fuck do you want asshole?
What do YOU want?
Huh? What do you mean? I don’t want anything, except to wake up from this nightmare. I came here to get expand by business and get away from the pain and agony of Seattle then what happens? You guessed it, people I only knew of from school end up being related to me. I can’t fucking believe this.
Ok, now…what do you want?
I laugh out loud, but take no solace in the sound reverberating around me. You kill me. Question asked and answered dickwad.
Save the name calling ass-WHOLE. You and I BOTH know you want to find out about your family. You want to know where you come from and who you come from. You’re scared of the unknown and that’s reasonable to a certain degree. These people as you like to call them are your family and they’ve looked out for you since you arrived here. As far as when you were a child, well…you have to delve into the lion’s den to get answers about your history.
Suppose you and Anastasia do get married one day. You know how she is about family. She’ll want to know everything about them and you. Plus curiosity is killing you, right? I know the thing that’s fucking with your head is the fact Carrick knew about all of this and didn’t tell you, but consider how disinterested and/or non-receptive you’ve been about who you are let alone who you belong to. You need to find out…WE need to find out. Do it for my peace of mind, I promise I won’t hate you for it.
I’ll consider it. I want to see Carrick’s documentation and mementos before I go rushing over to talk with Brown. Actually, right now, we’ve got a more pressing situation to address.
“Come in.” I don’t even bother looking up to see who is entering my study. If it’s not Ana they can go to Hell.
“Christian?” Her voice is as soft as a spring breeze. Her voice always calms me. It’s what I need…no what I want to hear.
“Ana”, I sound desperate to my own ears. “Baby, would you mind sitting with me for a little while?” She gives me her pretty little shy smile and meanders over to my chair. Ana climbs up on my lap and snuggles into my chest. I strum my fingers down her back causing her to hum against my neck. I close my eyes and sigh contently, “Ah, that’s nice baby, thank you. You’re the best medicine.”
I look down at her and smile, but then immediately frown. She gives me a confused look then asks, “What’s wrong Christian?”
“Baby…when are you leaving? Gail and Taylor should be going tonight. If they do, it’ll be a couple days before Stephen will be ready to make that back and forth trip again. If you plan on getting back anytime soon, you best get ready to leave with Gail and Jason.” There, I said it and I said it all. Now, will she stay with me or will she leave me?
At first, Ana frowns back at me, but quickly her eyes take on another emotion and this one I recognize loud and clear. I certainly wasn’t expecting it. I see rejection written all over her face. She lowers her head then whispers, “Do you want me to leave?”
I put my index finger under her chin and raise her eyes to meet mine. Sadden blue to confused grey, “Anastasia, I’ve been begging you to come back to me since before I went to Taiwan. My story hasn’t changed since I left the United States. No, I don’t want you to leave me, but I also don’t want your career to suffer and you resent me for it. After everything we’ve been through Baby, neither one of us could withstand that” she nods her head absentmindedly.
“If you feel it’s best for you to leave, I ask that you let me know as soon as you decide. It’s going to take some getting used to after seeing you again, and with all that’s happened recently I’d really like a head start on reorganizing my thoughts and feelings.” If I’m going to be alone, I need to know so I can get my head together. It doesn’t have to make sense to her or anyone else. It’s just how I operate.
She nods her head a few more times then staring directly into my eyes she tells me something I never would expect to hear from Ana, not in a million years, “Fuck my co-workers, fuck Roach and fuck Kate! I’m not leaving you and it has nothing to do with the latest episode in The Life and Times of Christian Grey.” I now my eyes are wide.
“I love you Christian and once again I’ve caused us both a lot of unnecessary heartache. I’ve run from you twice now and each time was based on my perceptions and mine alone. I thought the only way I could be with you was to be your submissive. I didn’t think about being honest and telling you how I felt about you. I was more worried about it being too soon or what Kate would think or how my parents would feel. I didn’t take the time to see how you and I felt…about us.” She looks at me, somehow pleading for me to hear her…to understand her but most of all to...believe in her, again.
“Now, I’ve run because I thought being in charge of my own life, being independent, made me more creditable than if you were to give me any kind of help. I’ve learned that help is nothing more than the word implies: to make it easier for someone to do something by offering one’s services or resources; offering assistance. You can help me all day, but if I don’t know what to do with that help then it’s all for naught.” I stay quite. I can’t believe I’m hearing her correctly. Is she saying we’re alright? Are we gonna be ok now?
“In the time we’ve spent apart I’ve learned to be careful who I listen to because everyone may not have my best interest at heart and even if they do, I have the final decision. I also learned I still have a long way to go in opening up and talking to you, even if that means telling you to fuck off and mind your own business.” I give her a small smile. All those lonely nights at Escala…all of the time I spent in Taiwan…even, up until recently, here in Townsville, she has no idea how much I would’ve given to hear her tell me to fuck off rather than hearing nothing from her at all.
“You’re a rich man Christian, but you’ve never rubbed that in my face. I need to accept who you are and how you are or I need to go away and leave you alone…and I’m not going anywhere. I’ve missed you so much my heart actually hurt. I let other people’s ideas about how my life should run come between us. You matter to me and I matter to you, that’s what’s important.” She gives a little nod as if to say “take that”.
My surprise and astonishment change into love and admiration, “I’ll be here for as long as you’ll have me Baby. I love you.” I wrap my arms around her little body, “Oh Ana, thank you Baby. I need you as well. I’m nothing without you. Please don’t leave me again, please.” I hold her tightly against me as if my life depends on her, which it does.