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Can’t We Just Be Happy | Chapter 20 What A Tale It Is

I do not own the Fifty Shades Trilogy or its characters; those belong to E. L. James. However, my characters do belong to me.

Chapter 20 | What A Tale It Is

EMMETT

I take a deep cleansing breath to try and steel myself for this tale. We don’t discuss this topic, I simply relive it night after night. I know for a fact I’ll regret this. Nevertheless, Christian has a right to know what went on before the experiences he remembers.

“Christian, Ella attended Harvard.” I tell him. In response to this statement, his eyes begin to glaze over, as if wandering back to his own memories. “Your mother was brilliant Christian. She attended Harvard to get her degrees in Economics, Mathematics and Music. She was an accomplished pianist for her age. I supported her decision, against the express wishes of our father.” I look back over my shoulder to see the anger emblazoned on my father’s face. When I turn to face Christian again, I can feel Dad’s eyes burning holes in my back. He refused to speak to me for the longest time and the more his animosity toward me grew the less I wanted to be his son.

Despite my father, I continue. “I felt she had the right to attend whatever school she pleased. Harvard is a good school and I considered attending there at one point in time. I am not as free-spirited as my sister was so I followed the beaten path and went to Melbourne.” Ella always told me how boring I was to simply ‘do what Dad told me to do’. She somehow believed I was the straightest arrow she’d ever seen.

Oh, my baby sister, how wrong you were.

“Ella became pregnant with you during her sophomore year, when she was home on Holiday. She and your father were ecstatic, our families less so. Ella wanted you, end of story. Ryan wanted Ella, so what Ella wanted, Ella got. She returned to school and worked as hard as she could to remain in Boston up until you were about to burst from her. We convinced her, before it was too late for her to travel safely, to come home and have you. The plan was for you to remain with us while she finished her studies then the three of you would do as your parents saw fit.”

It was all settled. Ellie and Ryan had full say in the matter and they were content with the arrangements. I was proud of she and Ryan at their willingness to negotiate with all of our parents.

“Mum and I made sure Ryan spent as much time as possible with you while Ellie was at school. He is no stranger to us nor was he a stranger to you.” I raise an eyebrow to stress my point.

Mum liked Ryan. The two of them had a connection similar to the one Ellie and Dad shared. Many’s the time Mum would chastise Dad for his treatment of her grandson’s father and soon to be son in law.

“Ellie returned home every chance she got as she stuck it out in school. She was determined to get her degrees. Ella and Ryan had a strong relationship. He supported her efforts and maintained a relationship with you, both in our home, at his own place and with his parents. He was your father in every way, feedings, spit-up, nights without sleep and diapers, oh how much fun I had watching you fire-hose your ole man. Ryan did everything Ellie couldn’t do from across the pond. They were committed to stay the course and each content with the role they would play in the end. Ryan was working for EB at the time. His business acumen proved to be incredible and he had a nice savings accumulated in anticipation of their reunion.”

“The summer following her junior year, Ellie returned home, as usual, for Holiday. She said she missed her son and wanted you by her side. She consulted with your father and he agreed, as long as she stuck to the plan and got her education. Ellie promised Ryan she was dedicated to him and their goal and she would be back, with you, after the school year ended.”

Ryan and Mum did not doubt Ellie’s ability, although they were very leery of seeing her go and take Christian with her. I chocked it up to missing their loved ones. I wasn’t happy with her leaving and taking my nephew with her either, but Christian’s parents agreed and as always, I took Hell fire and brimstone from my father for supporting my sister’s wishes.

“Ellie collected you and went back to Boston, or so we believed. Things went well at the start then, after some time passed, Ryan and I had a Hell of a time contacting her. So, I went to Boston myself to see you both and make certain all was well. I went to her apartment and some woman answered the door, informing me Ella Brown no longer resided at that address and she had no further information. The woman gave me Ellie’s mail, my letters, Ryan’s letters and cards from both of our families, to pass along when I saw her. I went directly to the Bursar’s Office and found out Ellie never returned to Harvard for her senior year. She withdrew before she came home that summer.”

“I contacted Dad and Ryan immediately and together we began to search for you both. Dad’s Security Team, as they called themselves, swore to us the two of you had simply vanished. You could not be found.”

I shake my head, still in disbelief. Those bastards didn’t even look. We later found out they took Dad’s money, repeated our personal investigations then called it a day. They took 12 months to tell us nothing and it took us another 12 months to discover their lies. By then it was far too late.

“Ellie sent me, Mum and Ryan postcards from New York City in the spring of what would have been her senior year. I dropped everything and raced to New York. Ryan did not have the leeway to simply pick up and go at a moment’s notice. I stayed in close touch with him while he, and then later Everett, kept record of my searches and findings, if any. I scoured the streets and homeless shelters of New York and hired private detectives to turn over every rock in each of the Five Burroughs. All to no avail.”

“In the summer, Mum Ryan and I received postcards, from Chicago. I dashed to Chicago and annoyed the fuck out of everyone, from the mayor to the city street sweepers. The following fall, the postcards were from Detroit. I ran there too. That time, Ryan told my father to fuck off and he accompanied me.”

“We searched Christian. Please believe me. We searched, on our hands and knees, what we thought was everywhere for both of you. I swear on my life we searched for you. We couldn’t find you.”

Ryan was a mess and I was having nightmares about what my baby sister and young nephew could be going through. They could be homeless, hurt or even dead and I was powerless to save them. Ryan was my friend and my brother in our search. My mother was our source of solace and comfort at every turn and dead end.

“The next spring, there were no postcards. Ryan and I went back to Detroit anyway and resumed our search.” Mum said something to Edward and my father never gave Ryan a hard time when it came to looking for Ellie and Christian. Mum would never tell either of us why Edward was so accommodating.

“Your father and I retraced our steps then ventured on to new ones. We did the same thing in the fall and again the next spring. We kept going back to Detroit because that was the location of her last postcards.”

“In June 1989, we got word that…” I almost can’t say the words. I can’t believe so much happened in such a short period of time. My baby sister was happy one day then…and my nephew was gone. I clear my throat and try again, just above a whisper, “We got word Ella was…dead…and buried in a potter’s field on the outskirts of Detroit. The police reports indicated a male minor was found with Ella’s body and taken to Henry Ford Hospital. People acted as if my hair was on fire as I ranted about finding my nephew. Ryan had to be restrained when we were told you were simply gone, vanished into thin air, never to be seen or heard from again. We knew it wasn’t true, but we couldn’t get anyone to listen to us or help us in the least.”

Ryan learned, sometime later, that by the time he and I became involved in this situation Christian was already through the American Foster Care and Adoption processes and in the custody of the Greys. The question of uprooting Christian to bring him home was a hot topic between Ryan, Me, Edward…and Mum.

“I was arrested for assaulting a city worker in some office who gave me a hard time about retrieving Ella’s remains and finding my nephew. Ryan, while at my side, had tried to stop me. I actually knocked him out in the process. It was a blessing because he was able to finish our latest search then return to Melbourne, with Ella’s remains. He reported it all to Everett, who had taken on the role of secretary and search analyst.”

I look over at my eldest son. Yep, he was a real Hardy Boy. He discovered the Security lapse.

“My actions didn’t endear me to anyone in Detroit or bolster my cause. Edward, much to the dismay of my mother and Ryan, felt as though I needed to spend those 30 days in jail to calm down.”

Again, I turn toward my father recalling his harsh words and the feeling of repugnance I had for him. I didn’t care that I was in jail. I was in the United States and I was in Detroit. I was going to find Christian.

My own life was taking a turn for the worse. My wife was none too pleased with me for all of the time I spent away from her. Everett and Ryan took control of my household, making sure all was in order and no one wanted for anything, Yvonne never let go of her jealousy over my relationship with Ellie and the time I spent in our search, but her feelings were meaningless to me.

She never forgave me and, somehow, I couldn’t blame her. Still, I refused to return without Christian. “By the time I was released from jail, Ellie’s body had already been taken back to Australia and buried in the family plot, in Melbourne. Our mother joined her, not long after.”

My personal conclusion was Mum died of a broken soul and a broken heart. Her only daughter, dead. Her only son, in jail. Her youngest grandson, gone. No one ever told me any differently leaving me to feel personally responsible for another fatality.

The final straw, my wife suffered a ruptured appendix not long after my return to Melbourne. We weren’t on the best of terms, but we did still share a home and semblance of a marriage. I found her unconscious on the bathroom floor when I got home from the office. We rushed her to the hospital where surgeons were able to remove her appendix, but she developed a general sepsis and couldn’t fight it off. She never regained consciousness. She was the last death I recall feeling responsible for. From that point forward, I was of no use to anyone.

My night terrors escalated. I didn’t go to work, I didn’t tend to my family, I just didn’t. Everett took care of everything, including Eran, Emerson and Ella. At the same time, Edward worked at and succeeded in having me declared an unfit parent, taking first guardianship then custody of my youngest sons and only daughter. Aside from Everett and Ryan, I was alone with my thoughts of ‘what if’ and ‘if only’ and my nightmares of ‘what is’ and ‘what was’.

I drop my face into my hands in defeat. I can’t go on anymore. I can’t make Christian understand how I felt then or how I feel now. I couldn’t explain it to my father or my wife and I don’t expect this young man to comprehend or even give a fuck about the ravings of an old man.

I raise my eyes to see the impassive mask returned and firmly set on Christian’s face. I’m locked in this Hell and I will be forever. Resigned to my fate, I take a deep breath and shake my head as if chastising myself for wasting his time.

At the sight of my weakness Christian growls, “Are you finished?” I smile and actually laugh, but it sounded off, almost maniacal, to my own ears. I deserved that, I know I did. I raise my hand to silence Everett when I see him part his lips to speak.

I shake my head for emphasis, “Leave it Ev, just leave it. The man is entitled to his thoughts, feelings and emotions, you all are. Do not forget, you were in his place at one time.” Everett lowers his eyes and nods.

Yes, my eldest son was none too pleased with me either in the end. He was given the same Family Meeting where he and I tore at each other’s throats. Our relationship survived and has evolved over the years, but there are times when I see disappointment in his eyes.

Ryan told me I was being paranoid. He assured me Everett let go of his anger after that meeting and is on my side. Ryan claims Everett understands everything and holds no grudge against me. I still wonder though.

I get up from my seat on the ottoman and look down into my nephew’s face, the spitting image of his mother. I breathe deeply again then ask, “Do you have any questions Christian?” He doesn’t speak. “I’ll take that as a no. I have more to say, but if you are not interested then I will not regale you any further.” I look, unseeing, around the room before saying “Goodnight all” then I move, wearily, toward the door. Damn the Rules. I’m spent and I’m going to get a few drinks before I head off to my nightmares.

Of course Edward won’t leave well enough alone, he has to have another word, “Emmett, we are not finished here. I have some things I want to say to my grandson.”

Oh for fuck’s sake.

I spin around to look at my father, anger and defeat oozing from every pore of my being. “THEN FUCKING SPEAK UP!” He’s got two seconds then I’m done. The children, Christian included, have never seen Dad and I go toe to toe.

I’m not beyond standing up to my father. Mum always told me to treat him with respect if for no other reason than his being my father. At times, like this, her words are the only thing keeping me from wringing his fucking neck…and he knows I can do it.

“Does anyone of you have pressing business tomorrow?” My father’s eyes scan the room. That old bastard knows good and well I have meetings with several Russian scientist about a power plant tomorrow.

“I do.” I respond, my voice deadpan. They all look at me as if I’m speaking in tongues. Ella and Everett know Family Meetings are not to be taken lightly. Christian simply hears the venom in my voice. “I have back to back meetings all day. I can be finished by 6PM, at the earliest. I would appreciate the opportunity to have dinner prior to another episode of the Brown Bullshit drama series.” I know I sound nasty and I couldn’t give a shit less. Every fucking time I think about this subject means I’ll get no sleep and now I’ve spoken on it for the past two hours. Gimme a fucking break.

“Fine Emmett, if you must…”

I cut him off, the fucker will not patronize me, “WHAT? SLEEP? IF I MUST SLEEP? That’s a fucking joke. With the exception of Christian, we all know that’s not going to happen tonight or for a few nights to come so save the condescending attitude father. Good night!”

As I turn to leave I see Christian looking at me expectantly. “I suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. This conversation brings about a myriad of emotions for me and I tend to have rather violent night terrors as a result.”

Ellie whispers, to no one in particular, “That’s why he occupies the furthest wing of the house.” I nod my confirmation. I’m as far away as possible so as not to disturb anyone.

Christian seems intrigued by my pain when he arrogantly asks, “And when did that start?”

Fucker.

I glare at him with my own hatred for his abominable behavior then I spit back, “The night some woman told me my only sister and only nephew were gone.”

Suddenly, there’s a look of contrition on his face, but it does nothing for me. I turn again and proceed to quietly leave the room. My final sound, the click of the closing door.

GREY

…Please believe me. We searched, on our hands and knees, what we thought was everywhere for both of you. I swear on my life we searched for you. We couldn’t find you…

“Find me…no one…alone…hurt…alone…” I feel my heart beginning to pound harder in my chest.

“Find me…no one…alone…hurt…alone…” I feel beads of sweat trickling down my face.

You’re forgetting your education Pet. You’re letting the world dictate your actions. This is a sign of weakness and weakness deserves punishment.

Yes mistress.

Not this day…any day but this one…please.

You’ll always need me.  People like you and I will never be loved.  No one will ever care.  No one will ever understand our needs…our desires.  You need me, you need our lifestyle to help you stay in control.  I am your reminder, my beautiful Pet.

She dragged her fingers through my hair and her nails down the side of my face to my mouth. She removed the ball gag she had in place so that she can hear me.

People want to confuse you Pet. No one else wants you…No one else understands you… You can depend on no one but me. I’ve taught you everything you know. I’ve given you everything you need. You’d be in jail or dead like your whore of a mother if it weren’t for me…for our lifestyle. COUNT PET!

One…two…three…four…five…

I’ve done this to myself. I chose this lifestyle. I chose to be here. I came here of my own free will.

Twenty…twenty-one…twenty-two…

I’m unlovable…love is for fools…No fool would love me.

Forty-five…forty-six…forty-seven…

Grace and Carrick tried, but it was all for naught…I deserve this…I was made for this…this is what I have to look forward to for the rest of my life…

I hate this day. I hate my birthday. I…I…Yellow Mistress…yellow.

You will learn Pet.  No safewords, not today.  This is my birthday gift to you.  You will remember your 18th year.  You will remember this time in our playroom while you are away at Harvard.  YOU WILL NOT RELEASE PET!  COUNT!

I’m trying to take the pain, but that’s all this is…pain. There’s no pleasure. There’s no… RED! RED MISTRESS! RED!!!

NO!

Fifty.  I gasp. I can’t breathe. I can’t believe she did that. I can’t move. What happened?

Remember this gift Pet. Remember, you were destined to be here…to be with me… You’re mine Pet. You will always be mine. I’ll be here when you come to your senses Pet.

Love is for fools…

Love is for fools…

Love is for fools…

I can’t breath. Why is my chest hurting? I feel like I’ve run a marathon and…what the fuck is that sound?

“…here baby…back to me…here Christian, please…” I know she’s there. I can almost hear her, my Ana.

“Here Christian…”

Just as I think I can reach her the sound changes. It’s familiar. The smell is familiar too. Then, I see it…the sticky rug.

You good for nothing little shit! Get the fuck out of my way! Fucking waste of space, that’s what you are. You’re lucky I let that bitch keep you around here.

MOMMY, MOMMY…HELP ME MOMMY PEASE! HIM’S HURTING ME!

Where is she? Where is she?

Shut the fuck up you little shit. She can’t fucking help you. NO ONE can help you. NO ONE can save you from me. Little BASTARD!

When he looks away, I crawl, as fast as I can. I almost made it to my hiding place under the kitchen sink when he catches my leg.

NO THE FUCK YOU DON’T! GET YOUR ASS BACK HERE! I’M NOT FINISHED WITH YOU!

My head hurts, my chest hurts my legs hurt, my stomach hurts…OW! NNNOOO!!! HHHEEELLLPPP MMMEEE!!!

I hear the cries in my head and all around me. The sound is distinctive and sharp. It spears my consciousness and burns my ears as well as my throat. OH GOD! THAT’S ME!

He’s beating the shit out of me. The strap he’s using is almost like a whip. The sound scares me as it snaps through the air and cuts into the flesh on my bare back.

“Help me…no one…alone…hurt…” He’s holding me down. I can’t get free.

“…Alone…hurt…” I feel myself thrash around. I feel like I’m being shaken…pulled.

“Ana.” The utterance is more of a thought than a spoken word. “Ana.” Suddenly, I can hear my voice, but it sounds strange, almost muffled. “ANA!” I finally yell. Sweat pouring off of me when I wake panting for breath.

I smell it, as if I was covered in nicotine and cheap booze. I can’t pull my t-shirt off fast enough. I scramble out of a strange bed, in a strange room, in a strange place. Where the fuck am I?

Oh yeah, that’s right. I remember now, the Brown’s, that fucking Family Meeting. They’re to blame for this.

The bathroom. I need the bathroom NOW! I manage to reach the toilet just in time to empty my stomach contents. Once I finish, I slowly sink to the tile floor trying to catch my breath. Trying to forget the scenes that just played through my mind’s eye.

I must have passed out. When I open my eyes I see Ana. She’s in the doorway to the bathroom. Edward is holding her as tears stream down her face. When she sees my eyes open she breaks free of his hold and runs to me. She holds me tightly and whispers calming words in my ear. Her body close to mine, her arms around me, her breath in my ear. I cling to her for dear life. I bury my face in her neck and, eventually, she calms my racing heart and slows my whirling thoughts.

My peace is short-lived. “CHRISTIAN!” A wail, that’s the only way to describe it. A painful wail echoes through the empty halls of this cavernous house. “CHRISTIAN!” I look to Edward who appears as though he wants to bolt from the room in the direction of the sound. It’s then I see Everett in the bedroom doorway, blocking Edward’s escape.

“HE’S MY SON! HE NEEDS ME EVERETT! LET ME PASS!” Everett slowly shakes his head. He will fight the older man to keep him from leaving, I’m sure of it.

“CHRISTIAN! ELLIE! CHRISTIAN!” The sound has become shrill, a blood curdling scream, as if someone is being murdered. This time I struggle to get up from the floor and stumble to the door Everett is still blocking.

“Get out of my way.” I snarl directly in Everett’s face, my nose actually touching his.

“It’s nothing new Cousin. He’ll survive. Are you…” I punch him in the gut then in the face as he bends over to grab his midsection.

“It’s something to him…and he’s calling my name not yours.” I roar at him as I rush from the room not knowing which way to turn. The sound is uttered again and again, more and more painful each time. It’s so dreadful and so loud bouncing off the walls, yet and still I feel like I’m being pulled to its source. Finally I reach what I surmise is Emmett’s bedroom door where Ella is standing, key in hand, but not entering the room.

“What are you waiting for? Open the damn thing.” I demand, winded and still shaking from my own dance with the demons.

What the fuck is wrong with these people? Don’t they understand what’s going on?

She shakes her head vehemently. The closer I look at her I see her eyes are red and swollen with streams of tears striding down her cheeks. “No,” she chokes out, “he’ll see it as a sign of weakness. He always does.” She breathes deeply several times, like she warring off an anxiety attack. She shutters then tells me, “I’ll wait here until the screams stop then I’ll enter.”

She’s got to be fucking kidding me.

I pound on the door, “Emmett! Wake up! It’s Christian! Wake up Emmett!” I turn quickly and look over my shoulder, “Dammit Ella, open the fucking door or I’ll knock it…” I’m cut off by a gasp from inside the room. It sounds as if he’s being strangled.

He can’t breathe. We have to get in there!

Then he begins to whimper, “Please forgive me. I tried Ella, I tried. I couldn’t find you. I can’t find Christian. Tell me where he is Ella. Help me find my nephew.” His pleading is followed by a loud crash and the sound of glass breaking. I won’t stand here anymore.

I wrestle the key from Ella and fumble to get the door open.  Inside, the room is pitch black and all sounds have stopped. It’s eerily quiet. “Emmett?.”  I say, caution in my voice, as I slowly venture into his room. “Where are you Emmett? It’s Christian. Where are you?”

Ella opens the heavy drapes, letting a stream of moonlight flood the room, to show Emmett on the floor beside the bed. Ella kneels next to him.

“Is he alive?” My voice is wavering.  She simply nods.   “Does this happen often?” I ask as I kneel next to him as well.  She nods again, new tears falling from her eyes. I shake my head and run my fingers through his hair, as if comforting a small child. He has nightmares about me.

We know nightmares don’t appear out of nowhere.  We know there’s something deeper here, right?

Inwardly I nod.

In the doorway behind us, the others have gathered. Everett clears his throat, “Cousin, would you help me put Dad back into bed?” I nod my consent and together Everett and I get Emmett back to bed.

As Ella tucks her father in, his eyes pop open and he sits up to quickly scan the room. When his gaze rests on me, we share a look of bewilderment. “We can talk tomorrow if you’re up to it.”  I tell him.  He nods and slowly lays his head back down on the pillow.  His eyes never leaving mine.  I pat his arm and move to leave the room, but I turn back to add, “If you like, it can be just you and I.” He nods again and we smile weakly at one another. I leave him, running, no sprinting, back to my Ana.


The Hardy Boys are fictional teenage brothers and amateur detectives.  The characters were created by Edward Stratemeyer, the founder of the Stratemeyer Syndicate, a book-packaging firm, and have been written by many different ghostwriters over the years.

Can’t We Just Be Happy | Chapter 12 Finally

The original characters are the property of E.L. James.  I’m just having a lil’ fun.  No copyright infringement intended.

Chapter 12 | Finally

GREY

I see it…the GEH jet.  “Finally” I say, barely above a whisper.  Taylor looks straight ahead, but nods.

Once it’s safe on the tarmac, I actually run to the plane and up the steps.  I’m about to beat on the door when Natasha opens it and I see my baby.  She runs straight into my arms and I can’t help myself.  I kiss her forehead, her eyes, her nose, her cheeks, her chin and oh, I save the best for last, I kiss her soft, plump, sexy lips.

We both groan in unison as I lick then pull her bottom lip between my teeth and bit down softly.  She gasps and I take full advantage of her open mouth as I slowly my tongue between her lips and pull her closer to me.  She tastes fucking heavenly.

One hand grazes down her body and I manage to stop myself at the small of her back and push her even closer to me, if that’s possible.  Having her body against mine, my cock begins to pound against my jeans.  I can’t control my hips as I grind into her.  All the while, her hands gently stoke my chest, my biceps, my shoulders then her fingers run through my hair pulling my face closer to hers.

“Ahem, good to see you again Mr. Grey.”

Huh?  What?  Oh shit…not now.  Don’t bother me.  The bed is so close.  We can just…

Anastasia breaks our kiss, so I say “Hello Stephen” without ever looking away from Ana’s crystal blue eyes.  “How was the flight?”  It’s pretty much a rote conversation.  Not only can I not hear but I don’t care about his response.

“Thank you Stephen.  See you next time.”

“Certainly Mr. Grey, Miss Steele.”  He smiles as he nods and returns to the cockpit.

“Come Anastasia.”  I take her hand and begin to lead her out of the plane.

“Oh wait, Miss Steele, you almost forgot your letter.”  Letter?  What letter?  We said no work.  What the fuck’s with a letter?

I raise my eyebrow and look at her quizzically.  She shrugs her shoulders and accepts the envelope from Natasha.  “I’ll take that, thank you.”  I say as a gently slide the letter out of Ana’s hand and tuck it into my jacket pocket then I lean in close to Ana and remind her,  “We said no business while you’re here and I’ve already been cheated due to the time change so, no…business…allowed.”  I kiss her on the tip of her nose.

She doesn’t argue with me, but Natasha goes on to explain that Ana did not bring this from the office.  The letter was delivered directly to the plane.  By this time, Stephen and his co-pilot have joined the conversation.  No one knows who sent the mystery correspondence.  “Thank you all.  Come Anastasia.”  Now I am pissed, but not at her.

When we reach my R8, I open her door and say, “I love you Baby.”  She lowers her gaze and blushes profusely.  I put two fingers underneath her chin to lift her head so I can see into those beautiful blue orbs.  “I’m here Baby.  Don’t look away.  Please don’t hide, not from me.  You’re finally here.  I can’t tell you how happy I am.  I’ve missed you so much Anastasia, so fucking much.”  I pull her into my arms again and told her…tightly.  She’s my life.

I lower my lips and brush them lightly against hers.  She sighs contently and it takes every ounce of control not to throw her on the hood of my car and take her right here, right now.  “You’re so beautiful Baby.  Let’s go home.

LINCOLN

“I said count!”  I bellow at this sniveling idiot.

“Twenty-One!  Thank you Mistress.”  He is trying to placate me.  I told him to count and nothing more.  All he is doing is pissing me off.

“Twenty-two!  I submit all to you Mistress.”  He practically shrieks.  The lattice design on his back will bruise nicely.  He always turns a majestic purple when he bruises.  I love it.  Isaac is a fool, as far as men go.  For a submissive, he is not bad.  Of course no one compares to my powerhouse…my grey-eyed, favorite Pet.  My clit begins to tingle and throb just thinking about his tall, muscular physique between my legs as he drives himself into me.

“Count Isaac!”  I yell even louder.  Remembering how that mousey little gold-digger managed to contact my Pet, let alone go to him, pisses me off even more.

“Twenty-five…”  I can tell he is reaching his limit as he voice gets weaker and weaker.  Christian could withstand one hundred lashes with a whip.  Just the thought of the marks and bruises he left here wearing makes me drool to this very day.

They don’t make them like that anymore, do they Mistress?

I should say not.

Isaac groans on last time before passing out cold.

REALLY?  I mean REALLY Isaac?  Give me strength.  No, rewind that; give this weakling strength and stamina.

I grab the front of his hair to pull his head back off of the floor and caress his cheek, “Rest now dear boy” then I put my lips directly against his ear, “you will NEED it”  I growl.  I lick the shell of his ear and hear him groan again.  Shaking my head and stomping out of my Dungeon, I leave Isaac in a heap on the floor.

Pathetic excuse…


I stand, sipping a glass of Pinot Blanc looking onto the back yard of my home.  Although it did not all start here, my Pet and I had some wonderful “playdates” in this place.  I sigh to myself, “Why her Pet?  You can do so much better than her.”

I cannot believe this shit is still going on.  It has been almost three months since they made that ridiculous engagement announcement then just as suddenly as my Pet announced his intention then the mousy little gold-digging whore turned tail and ran from him.  He has held up well under the media scrutiny, but then he is a master at controlling his universe.  I was so hoping this time away from that…mistake…would give him cause to rethink things; rethink our relationship.  I would help him sow his wild oats.  Anyway, doesn’t’ out of sight mean out of mind?

I have tried to coax my Pet back to me, back to my Playroom.  He always plays hard to get, but I know his body so fucking well.  For whatever reason he tries to forget there was a time when I made him whimper with one stroke of my fingernail across his amazing pecs.  Fear of touch be damned!  I own my submissives and I owned him.  As his Domme I took liberties.  I touched him, stroked him and fucked him any way I pleased.  And he loved every fucking second of it.  I still know when his body is aching for its release, aching for the exquisite sensations we shared for so many years.  One hour in my Playroom is all it will take for my Pet to feel whole again.  I am all he needs.

I’m not arrogant enough to presume he would submit to me; that would be ludicrous.  No, I will place myself at his beautiful feet in total submission.  I know how to motivate him, to encourage him and to entice him into once again being the perfect Dom…for me alone.  His beautiful cock is simply wasting away trying to get off with, and now without, that plain old bookworm bitch.  How I long to slide my hand into his jeans and cup him tenderly just as I did when he was a virgin.  Pure, innocent, untouched and untouchable, that was my Pet and I owned him.

Now, I am reduced to the likes of weaklings and imbeciles with little to no control and inferior sexual prowess.  My Pet was a man even at fledgling age of 15.  I even knew that, under my guidance, he would become a Dom one day.  It was just a matter of time and with the right motivation it happened.  Yes, I remember well the punishments I gave him, and the rewards…it was pivotal.

Now he is wasting his life waiting for that pitiful excuse someone calls a woman.  I thought putting a wedge between them would be difficult.  If that stupid bitch would listen to my Pet even once, she would realize his security measures and monitoring are for a reason.  All I had to do was plant that slack-ass Isaac at the coffee shop up the street from Anastasia’s apartment and tell him to wait.  When I wanted him back in my Playroom I would station Patrick or Christopher in the coffee shop, those two are more like men than the world realizes.  At fifteen, they can each fuck like freight trains.  Neither of them will ever replace my Pet, but they are each a nice diversion.

My thirteen-year-old triplets, Michael, Logan and Nelson, are beautiful boys who simply monitored Miss High and Mighty and kept me up to date on her comings and goings.  They were able to get closer to the apartment and pick up the Wi-Fi signal more directly on their iPhones than Isaac could in the coffee shop, so he used their devices to complete his assignments.

The pièce de résistance is my angel, Zachary.  At the pristine age of twelve, Zachary can melt the hardest of hearts with one smile.  He would just hangout with a couple of his friends to take pictures of Miss Steele and my Pet if I desired.

My men brought back any information I required and Isaac laced the pictures, emails and texts with various viruses, Trojans and annoying malware.  It only took one of these things to allow me access to Anastasia’s computer and thus her connection to my Pet.

So many communications they missed from one another.  All it took was a tap on the screen for Isaac to delete all of the messages they would have shared.  While Isaac is not the consummate submissive, he is computer savvy and a bit of an anti-romantic.  He informed me the best way to control the situation was to allow them to send messages, allow the messages, in whatever format, to reach their destination then…delete, delete, delete.  Isaac would either delete things one-by-one from Anastasia’s computer or run a program he installed onto her laptop via his visceral computer gifts.  Each evening he used it as foreplay before meeting me in my Playroom or he used it to soothe his soul after a punishment session in my Dungeon.  Whatever works for him I do not care, as long as Steele stays away from my Pet.

For now, I sent my men home.  I rewarded each of them, in my own special way, for all of the hard work they did for their Mistress.  I sigh inwardly, strong, young, eager hands, muscular, resilient legs, demanding yet enthusiastic tongues and lips and thick, ripe cocks are wonderful things to have at your beck and call.


My Second rings the doorbell.  He knows the rules and observes them from the moment he crosses the line of my property.  He does not wait until he has entered my home or my Playroom.  I open the door to a beautiful, tall, muscular young man with light auburn hair and grey, my déjà vu, “Mistress.  Your desire was to see me.  I submit myself to you.”  His deep rich voice wafts through the air, music to my ears.

“Come in Christopher.  Yes, I do desire to see you.  Where is she?”  My Men have been keeping tabs on Miss Anastasia Rose Steele since the day after my Pet’s birthday party.  I must know every…little…thing about the fiasco people are confusing with a relationship between my Pet and that nobody.

My Second knows how to treat this situation.  “She boarded the GEH jet, alone, just before 7:00 PM departing for Australia.”

“DAMMIT!”  I yell.  I blame Isaac for this.  With a curt tone I tell my Second, “That will be all for now Christopher, I will call you when I feel it is necessary.”

As a true submissive should, Christopher nods his head once then turns to leave.  No words, no looks, he simply follows my instructions.  If all my submissives were like him, I would be in heaven.  Unlike my Pet, I can sense misbehavior.  It radiates off men so I instinctively know when a punishment is necessary.  Christopher has served me well and he will be rewarded…later…and so will I.

“Isaac let her get Continue reading “Can’t We Just Be Happy | Chapter 12 Finally”

Can’t We Just Be Happy | Chapter 5 Got ‘Til It’s Gone

I do not own the Fifty Shades Trilogy or its characters; those belong to E. L. James. However, my characters do belong to me.

Chapter 5 | Got ‘Til It’s Gone

STEELE

Have a feelin’, now believin’
That you were the one
I was meant to be with
Oh, how I’m wishin’ Thinkin’, dreamin’ ’bout you
And the love, how’d I let you get away?
Got ’til it’s gone
Got ’til it’s gone

If I could turn back hands of time
Make you fall in love
In love with me again
So would you give me another chance to love?
To love you, love you the right way
No games
Got ’til it’s gone
Got ’til it’s gone

“CHRISTIAN!”  I wake in a cold sweat, Janet Jackson’s Got ‘Til It’s Gone playing on my iPod.  “This has got to stop.”  I shake my head.  I am not going to get any more sleep, so I might as well make myself some tea.

Christian has been in Taiwan for a month.  The last time we spoke I thought he would tell me he was coming home, instead things went from bad to worse.

“Hey baby.  It is so good to hear your voice.  How are you?”  I can hear his smile through the telephone.  It makes me smile right back at him.

“Hi Christian.  I miss you so much.  I love you.”  I can feel the tears at the back of my eyes as I speak.  Save the sprinklers Steele, you need to find out where his head is at and when he’s coming home.

“I miss you too sweetheart.  You should see there are Sakura flowers in bloom and the Hot Springs are incredible.  I wish you were here Anastasia.  How are things in the States?”

“Things are good.  As well as to be expected,  I guess.  Oh, Mr. Roach promoted me to full editor.“  I say with a pride I do not really feel.  I know Christian had something to do with my promotion.  I just do not know if and/or how to broach the subject with him.  I could tell by the way Roach discussed my performance review he was not pleased with keeping me on staff.  It was almost like he was hoping I would fail so he could get rid of me once and for allI got a dollar says Grey has no idea about any of this.  Bet.

“That is wonderful baby.  I knew you would do well.”  He actually sounds proud of me.  I cannot let this go.  I have to ask.  Do me favor, just stop, because you are obviously behind and in jeopardy of fucking up a perfectly good conversation.

“Christian?”

“Yes baby.”  His voice sounds so smooth.  I can feel his warm soft breath on my neck as we speak.  I can feel the sexy kisses he puts on that special spot behind my ear.  I have to hold back the moan forming in my throat.  I get goose bumps thinking about it.

“Did you have anything to do with my promotion?”  I hear him gasp.  Well, you fucked up this ‘lil reunion didn’t you?  Is that a new record?  It took you all of twelve minutes to ruin the mood.

She is right.  I can feel the ice in his voice when he says, “No Anastasia I did not.  I turned over the management of SIP to Ros Bailey on purpose.  If an issue arises, she will act accordingly.  Ros only informs me when it is absolutely necessary.  I am not privy to the day-to-day workings of every company I hold.  Now, if there is no other business you would like to discuss, I have a meeting to prepare for.”  OH MY GOD NO!  I fucking told you to keep your Kate-sized big ass mouth shut, but NO.  You have to let your super duper inferiority complex get in the way of our happiness.  What the fuck are you doing…DAMMIT!

“CHRISTIAN WAIT!  Please do not hang up.  I apologize.  I was not trying to offend you.  It was just a question.”  I sound pathetic even to myself.

“Anastasia, I cannot do this anymore.”  He cannot do what anymore?  Then, as if he can read my mind, he continues, “I have done everything I can think of to aid in your feeling of independence.  I am utterly powerless when it comes to you and now, unless we contact each other, I do not know what is going on with you at all.  I called you because I miss you and I wanted to tell you I was coming home.  I want us to be together.  Don’t you understand Ana, I miss you.  And to top it all off, I can finally recognize the feeling I had before I met you.”  Why does that sound like a bad thing?

“I was lonely Anastasia.  I was alone and lonely before you tripped into my office and stole my heart; a heart I did not realize I had.  I have learned from you how to treat other people.  I have learned how to take their opinions and interests into account as opposed to simply instilling my own will.  I have learned to empathize with others.  It is an entirely new mindset for me and I want to share my new experiences with you.  I am not perfect at this and when it comes to business I do not intend to go easy when I want to win, but in my personal life…I am changing baby and it is all because of you.”  He sounds happy again, like a little kid in a candy shop.

“Christian, I never wanted you to leave in the first place.  I never intended to hurt you.  I just wanted…”  We know what you wanted Steele.  Only you seem to have difficulty remembering and understanding what you wanted.

“Anastasia, please.  I remember all too well what you said you wanted.  I went over your statements with you sentence by sentence just to be certain I understood what you were saying.  This is about me.  I am hurting Anastasia.  I love you and I want to be with you.  I miss you so much, there are not enough words to explain how I feel and it scares me because I know, deep down, you do not share those feelings.  You are my everything.  My world begins and ends with you.  This entire experience is more difficult because I do have these feelings for you and…” he stops suddenly, as if he does  not want to say anything else.

“And what Christian?”  I sound desperate even to my own ears.

He whispers, “…you do not have them for me.”  He takes a deep breath before he continues.  “Ana, GEH will be an international presence.  I am expanding my company to reach overseas.  Ros will be in charge of business at the Seattle location, but GEH Headquarters must be where I am.”

What the fuck is he saying?   How can he feel like that?  What in the hell gave him that impression?  How can he see my independence as a lack of feeling for him?  My heart hurts, my head hurts and I can hardly breathe.  What is going on?   I am going to take those as rhetorical questions.

“Ana, I asked you to marry me so we could share good times and bad, not just spend money like there was no tomorrow, not to manipulate you and not to change you.  I have told you countless times you make me whole.  I cannot wait to wake up in the morning and see those heavenly blue eyes look back at me.  I cannot wait to make love to you as many times as you will let me every single day.  I want to hear about your day and your life because it is in stark contrast to mine.”

“Ana, I was an abused child and for whatever reason that affected me so deeply that I wanted to perpetuate that abuse.  My behavior and my acting out were a means to an end.  I viewed fighting the way most guys viewed a game of basketball or football.  I could hit and be hit.  I got out my aggression and would be punished at the same time.  Once puberty hit, I progressed my abuse and took it to the farthest degree imaginable.  The reason I stayed in touch, so to speak, with Elena was because that relationship was the only intimacy I knew, outside of my family.”

“The only way to disappoint Elena was to come too soon or not take a beating, safewords were irrelevant, and could handle that.  I could not handle disappointing the woman who saved me from squalor and violence.  Seeing the sorrow and distress in Grace’s eyes only solidified my self-hatred and left me with an enduring emptiness.  All that while, Christian was lost.  He never grew up, never learned how to share, never learned how to love and once he made it big, he had no desire to do any of those things or any of the number of other things he missed out on during his youth.  His shiny new toy was to buy another company and make another million, which did not make him any happier than when he started.”

“And I never lost the desire to touch and be touched.  I never lost the desire for intimacy and love, it was just too late for me to learn how to have those things; or so I thought.  I was too old for Elena and street fights were not good PR…” he chuckles to himself, “…so I was back to my pubescent coping mechanism.  The one way I learned how to be with a woman and not have to worry about what might happen.  In my playroom, I controlled touch.  With my NDAs and contracts, I controlled intimacy, for lack of a better word; there was no place for love.  Those things held me together, but also tore me apart.”

“Anastasia, meeting you was like seeing an oasis in the dessert.  People to do not talk with me, think about it.  I give orders, people follow them and I move on.  You and I had a conversation.  You were flustered and it was adorable.  I could not knock you over or break you down with a smile or a glare.  It was refreshing to me; it still is.  You are smart, compassionate, honest, strong willed and sexy as hell; especially when you are angry.”  I can hear the smile in his voice.

“Ana, simply put, your presence in my life has gradually changed me and the most important thing to me is that you are happy.  It makes me feel good to know that I can make you smile.  I want you to have whatever your heart desires, because of how much I love you, not because I want you indebted to me, not so I have something to hold over your head.  I wish you nothing but success, friendship and love in your life.”

“The more I listen to you, the more I hear you doubting my intentions.  I do not know where to go from here Ana.  I cannot compete with worldwide acceptance and recognition.  I feel like my actions, past, present and future are tainted by my mistakes and will not be good enough.  My actions will only lead us back to your not trusting me.  I am lost here baby.  I need you to help me, and the sad thing is I do not believe you can.”

“I know I cannot buy true love and affection.  There are however many people in this world willing to grant me a false sense of exactly those things for as long as my money lasts.  That is exactly how I have been living my life.  When I flash a few hundreds, heads turn and we will not discuss what the visual of a few million can do.  When I adorn that panty-dropping smile as you call it, women fall at my feet, with their legs spread wide.  I do not want that Ana.  I have never wanted that.  I have always craved true love and affection.  The only person who makes me feel that way is you…I only ever want you Anastasia.”

“From the day you left until this very second, I thought about nothing but you, me, us and where to go from here.  The only solution I come up with is for me to go away and pray that you, and I to a lesser degree, each find our happily ever after.  My moving overseas is the only way, unless you have an alternative.  Please know baby, I will always love only you, no matter the nature of our relationship.  It may sound presumptuous, but anything I have is yours Anastasia, whether we are together or not.”  Then, he reads my mind and it all becomes clear, “Do you know why Ana…because you have my heart baby.  You gave me everything I was searching for and more.  Besides my love, all I have to give you in return are material things, but if they help you at all, then it is worth it.”

Are you happy now?  This man has, once again, poured his heart out to you.  All he wants is you.  He’s not asking you to give him anything.  He’s asking you to share his life with him.  What the fuck does it take, an Act of Congress, to get it through YOUR thick skull he only wants to be with you and NOTHING MORE!  He has to learn how to be in a relationship, to learn the do’s and don’ts, but then, so do you.  Contrary to your belief, you are not perfect and you do not know everything.  AND YOUR CHOICE OF COUNSEL SUCKS!

“…Ana…Ana are you still there?”  Oh shit, all my inner musing caused me miss what he said.

“I am here Christian.  I was trying to take in everything you said.”  AGAIN WITH THE FUCKING TAKING IN OR PROCESSING OR GETTNG THOUGHTS STRAIGHT!  WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?

What he has told you is cut and dry Anastasia.  Either you want this man or you don’t.  If you don’t want him, then do the womanly thing and step the fuck away right now.  Grey deserves love and affection.  He deserves caring and support.  He deserves to be wanted for who he is, not resented for his position.  He worked damn hard to get to the top of his game.  All he wants to do is share everything he is and everything he has with you, not the Bitch-Troll, not one of the fifteen, not any of the fluttering eyelash, abundant boob, ass swinging bitches in the world.  He wants to share with you.  I’m speechless, utterly speechless.

“I was going to wait a little while longer before initiating my move, but your silence speaks volumes.  I take it you would rather I not belabor the situation and move forward with my plans.”

“No Christian, my silence does not mean that at all.  I never thought we would be at this crossroad.  Like you, I do not know what to say or what to do.”

“Well then, we are staring from an even playing field, that can only be a good thing.”  His statement gives me some sense of hope.

“Let’s table this discussion and revisit it in a few weeks.  I have no trouble keeping up with GEH from here and I can fly in if I am needed in the flesh.  I do not want to put this off indefinitely though Ana.  There are a lot of people dependent on my keeping GEH afloat so I will have to decide.  For now, I can wait.”

“Look baby, I have to go.  I love you”

“I love you too Christian.”  And then, he is gone.


 

I have seen lots of pictures of him traveling to lovely areas; Taipei, Kaohsiung and Hsinchu were just a few.  There were lots of beautiful women as well.  I could have done without the headlines, “Grey Gets A Geisha”

 

Geisha 2

or “Who Will Join Christian Grey on His Orient Express”

Orient Express

I have been in deep thought since Christian and I spoke last.  All he wants is me, nothing more.  All of his spoiling and nagging and controlling are a small cost to learn how to love and be loved, don’t you think?  Yes, I really do think you are right.  Thank fuck for that.  It’s about fucking time.

I finished my latest manuscript when the phone rings.  I wanted to chew glass when it ends up being Kate quizzing me about Christian.

“Ok Steele, I want the deets.  Why is Mr. Moneybags kicking up his heels overseas and you’re stuck here working your fingers to the bone.  Did that fucker not have enough courtesy to ask you to go with him?  The bastard is everywhere and you’re stuck here in dreary ole’ Seattle.”  Nice friend you got there.

“Kate, Christian had a business deal to finish, that is why he went to Taiwan.  As for me, I have to work.  I had just started at SIP when he left.  I could not up and fly away the first chance I got.”

“Why the hell not?  It’s the least that conceited son of a bitch could do for you.”  Is it my imagination or is she growling?  SHE’S GROWLING AND SHE BETTER FUCK OFF!

“Kate, what the fuck’s all the yelling about?  Who’s on the phone?”  I can hear Elliott in the background.  For once he does not sound happy.

“I’m talking with Ana and I’m yelling because your conceited, arrogant, aloof, control freak of a brother is in Asia while my friend is stuck in Seattle alone.  Humph.”  I do not like the grumbling I hear in the background then all of a sudden I hear Elliott bellowing.

“If you don’t stop badmouthing my brother Katherine Kavanaugh, YOU will be alone!  I’ve told you a hundred times, I can’t control whom you like and whom you don’t like, but you will respect my family or else you can KICK…FUCKING…ROCKS!  GET IT?”  WOW!  You go Lelliott, you finally grew a set.  It’s about time.  That haughty whore needed to be put in her place a LONG time ago.

“Got it.”  You can barely hear Kate’s voice.  She sounds like a severely chastened, very small child.

“Good.  Now give me the motherfucking phone.”  He is still snarling at her.  WOO HOO!  I wish Grey could hear this.  He’d fucking jump for joy.  This shit IS priceless.

“Anastasia”, it is a statement, not a question.  ANASTASIA!  Whoa, you’re in the shit now kid.  I did not know Elliott knew my full name.  He has never uses it.

“Hi Elliott, how are you?”  I try to keep my voice light.

“Don’t give me any bullshit Anastasia.  Where’s my brother, how long has he been gone and why aren’t you with him?”  Crickets.  You can actually hear crickets on the line while Elliott waits for my response.

“Well…you see Elliott…he went to Taiwan on business about a months ago and…” I did not get to finish the thought that went with my sentence when all of a sudden I swear I hear a sonic boom.

“A MOTHERFUCKING MONTH?!?  A MOTHERFUCKING MONTH AND YOU DON’T THINK TO LET ONE OF US KNOW?!?”  I do not think I can breathe.  Elliott is panting on the other end of the line, like a really big dog is chasing him.

“Elliott,” I try to reason with him, “Christian is a grown man, you know.  He told me he spoke with your mother and told her where he was going.  So, someone besides me knew where he was.  Ros also knows where he is and how to contact him so you do not have to get all bent out of shape about it.”

“Anastasia,” still on the Anastasia kick huh?  “Christian never stays away on a true business trip for more than a week, maybe two if the deal is really big and that was BEFORE he met you.  The only other time he went overseas and stayed for any length of time was after he dropped out of Harvard and then he was in France and the Caribbean.   Those are the places he loves.  For him to be across the pond, anywhere other than in France or on French related territory for any length of time, means bad news.  I don’t care what pictures he’s in or what sites he sees, this isn’t good.”  Elliott’s voice sounds grave and pained.

Did I do this to Christian?  I pushed him away.  All he wants to do is be there for me, to support me in my endeavors.  What is wrong with me?  When did I become prideful and unyielding?

“…you have my heart baby.  You gave me everything I was searching for and more.”

All he wants is you.

GREY

“Anastasia Rose Steele, I love you.  I want to love, cherish and protect you for the rest of my life.  Be mine, always.  Share my life with me.  Marry me.”

Ana, baby…where are you?

Here I am Christian…turn around.

Baby, where are you?  I cannot find you.  Please Ana, you are scaring me.

I am right here Christian…over here baby.

I cannot find her.  I can hear my Ana’s voice clearly, but I cannot see her anywhere.  I am wandering through darkness.  I know she is out there somewhere, but I cannot see her.

Please Ana, where are you.

Here I am pet…come and see Mistress…it is time to play.

OH, MY GOD NO!

I sit straight up in bed; sweat pouring off of me like a waterfall.  My hands are shaking and the room is spinning.

I cover my face with my hands.  “Not again, please, not again.”  I have had the same dream every night since I talked to Ana.  I hear her soft melodic voice calling out for me to find her.  I turn to where I think the sound is coming from, but she is not there.  This repeats several times until…

The vermin invades my consciousness.  I do not see the salacious slut.  However, her despicable voice is unmistakable.  First, I can feel the restraints tighten around my wrists and ankles then I can feel the lashes rain down on my bare chest and back then I hear her demand that I count.

You disappoint me Pet.  I taught you better than to release before I give you permission.  Have I not instructed you about this, about how to maintain control?

Yes mistress.

My voice sounds young. I remember all too well, this is my first real punishment, the beginning of my end.  At school, I spent the morning fantasizing about Elena’s mouth and how wonderful her lips felt stroking my cock while her tongue slid back and forth along its underside.  I had a boner for most of the day and I could not wait until playtime.  Needless to say, I was overly aroused.  When Elena started her control exercises, my cock twitched a few times then I came fast and hard.  I was out of breath and I knew a punishment would follow my transgression.  Up until that day, spanking was the only form of punishment I received.  I soon began to learn the depravity of this new lifestyle.

She shackled my wrists and ankles so tightly to the bare, stone, walls of her dungeon that my fingers and toes started to go numb.  What Elena had could in no way be termed as a playroom.  She blindfolded me and chastised me the entire time for being weak and unable to control my body.

This is your first lesson in our world Pet.  If you cannot control your body physically, you are doomed never to control it metaphysically.  Life is a game Pet, a playroom session with never ending scenes.  In stressful or even painful situations you must detach yourself from your feelings.  Once your emotions are under control, you can proceed with the best course of action for the situation at hand.  Call to mind the benefits gain here, with me; file those away for future reference.  You will learn my Pet.  I will teach you to be the Master of your Universe and my submissive.

Worst of all, I can feel the pain and fear I masked as pleasure and desire for so long.  Elena is here, in my dreams.  I do not know why and it scares the shit out of me.

I remember commenting to Flynn that my dreams always seem to focus on the negative occurrences in my life.  After I met Ana, the dreams lessened, although I have them when things are not right between she and I.  They serve as a reminder of how it felt to be abandoned, unloved and unable to love.  My dreams are a stark reminder of the possible consequences of my actions.    Then I end up back at square one.  Flynn told me to pay attention to my dreams.  Although he seem them as some ‘unfinished business’ my mind is struggling to sort through.  Flynn maintains that once I know what that something is, I can face it and move on.   We definitely struggled through our association with that abominable creature haven’t we?

I need my Ana.  I need my lifeline.

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